Oprah Winfrey, “Dr.” Phil McGraw, Tyra Banks and those skanky shrews on The View need to be strapped to the nose of an intercontinental ballistic missile loaded with sweet Chinese fireworks and launched straight into the air.

They have officially contributed to one of my greatest societal pet peeves plaguing the nation today.

They have made it OK to be fat.

I’m all about positive body image and self-esteem about who you are and how you look, and I’m certainly no fan of the emaciated Kate Moss look, but as a nation we’ve become SO ok with “being who we are” and "being happy with ourselves" that a whole lot of Americans have decided that it’s just fine to stop taking care of themselves.

Let me give you an example -

Recently an employee approached me rather tentatively and told me that she thought that I was “inappropriately flirtatious” towards her and asked me to please watch my behavior.

Now, the woman goes three bills easy (that’s around 300 pounds for those of you still in denial), and, not to brag - well, screw it, I’ll brag - I run 6’2”/195 and the percentage of my body weight that is composed of disgusting, useless fat cells is in the single digits. I work out regularly and for the most part watch what I eat. I care about how I look, how I feel, and my personal health. Why in the name of hell and heaven would someone that just doesn’t give a crap about her own appearance assume that anyone that DOES give a crap about his appearance could find her any more than repulsive?

Because Oprah says she’s beautiful just the way she is.

Oprah is wrong, AND Oprah is dangerous.

Newsflash - obesity is one of the most expensive healthcare issues in the nation today. Currently more than one quarter of our healthcare dollars are spent treating the chronically fat. That’s about what smoking costs us. Nearly two out of every three Americans are considered obese, and one out of eight deaths is caused by diseases attributed to being corpulent. Those numbers are only going to go get worse as McD’s cranks out super-sized "McValue" Meals - with the small Diet Coke, of course.

Is it too late to try and convict "Dr." Phil for conspiracy to commit mass murder?

As a fairly conservative man I have to question the righty tenet that gay marriage is wrong and ought to be prevented at all costs.

Shouldn’t homos be allowed to be as miserable as the rest of us?

Exhibit A that Almighty God is getting damned sick and tired of humanity's egotism - Recently some global warming geeks were snowed in on a glacier while they were trying to prove that we're killing a planet that has been around for about six billion years with or without or help.

Exhibit B - a recent symposium on global warming in Washington, D.C. was mostly unattended due to its being held during one of the worst cold spats in D.C.'s history.

Hey Heavenly Father, hate to rain on your parade, but you know that most of these tools don't believe that You exist, right?

I officially being my 38th year on planet earth today. Please feel free to send beer and lap dance coupons to my email address. On the other hand, if you have any complaints, disagreements or hate mail, send it all to ScrewYourselfSlowlyWith@Chainsaw.com.