My name’s Frank and I like to eat meat. Unapologetically.

I recently got into a heated discussion with some ahole who was hacked off because I had the unmitigated gall to disagree with his anti-gun/anti-hunting/anti meat consumption rant. Let me start by saying that I don’t personally hunt (the natural elements reek havoc on my perfectly coiffed, product-laden head of hair), but I do enjoy consuming the spoils of the game.

Isn’t it ironic that the human race spent five million years crawling to the top of the food chain only to have vegetarians tell us that they are more evolved than those of us that revel in being carnivorous?



I love steak. I love pork chops. I love seabass. I love turkey. Hey PETA - want to get really pissed off?

Make it your personal quest to eat an extra animal for every vegetarian that frosts you today.

You know what’s almost as bad as a nut punch? Freezing your balls off holding a door open for a woman only to have her berate you for being an insensitive, sexist prick.

Anyone else think that Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio suck incredible amounts of ass? If you watch their films for any reason other than to get a handjob you should turn in your ‘nads. Hell, I think that you have to drop your scrotum off at the concession stand on your way into the theater.

Ok, here’s your popcorn, slurpee aaaaaaand… whoa… you’ve still got your ball sack. You know that you can’t take that in there, right?

Why doesn’t Troma Entertainment crank out the high art that we took for granted in the 80’s?

Who else is pissed off that you didn’t buy a house twice the size of the one that you own for the low, low, low ARM rates?

Show of hands.

Now that Obama has decided to "spread the wealth" from the "rich" to the downtrodden we once again have proof that God protects stupid people.

When the hell did Jeff Spicoli start taking himself so seriously?

At the recent Oscars Awards show Spicoli called out the "homophobes" that voted against gay marriage in California. In the next breath he praised Americans for electing "such an elegant man" as President of our country.

Hey Spicoli – Obama is against gay marriage.

Dearest Nancy, we'll give you a seven day waiting period and mandatory training before gun ownership if you give us a seven day waiting period and mandatory counseling before an abortion.

Deal?

Finally a shout out to my man President Barack Hussein Obama – thank you for getting Kathleen Sebelius the hell out of my state.

She has all but bankrupted Kansas due in no small part by making it a safe haven for illegal aliens. She recently went so far as to threaten Kansans with not receiving our tax returns before caving to the Republican dominated legislature who had the audacity to get her to promise to balance the state budget.

This woman screwed up healthcare delivery as the Kansas insurance commissioner, she’s screwed up Medicaid reimbursement as our governor, and now she gets to oversee the correction of our nation’s "healthcare crisis".

Is it too late to give up my citizenship, move to Mexico and cross the river back in?

Got a contradictory comment? Send it to ScrewYourselfSlowly@WithAChainsaw.com

Today, please join me for a very special episode of Frank’s Tuesday Morning Hangover.

I know that I’m only one column in, but I want to be a little serious today. I promise that we’ll bust balls on Brad Pitt and talk about boobs and what pisses me off next week.

So the other day I hired a young female accountant. Smart, qualified, professional - all of the things that you want in an associate - but she had one other “something”. She’s the sort of person that makes a room better just by being there. You know the type, the “aww shucks, life is beautiful and I’m so glad to know you” people. The ones that, when you meet them and know them, make you pray down in your soul that they’re genuine so that your faith in humanity might be maintained for another day.

I’m feeling pretty good about, we’ll call her “Margaret”, so I ask her my favorite question.

“Tell me about your greatest tribulation and how you overcame it”.

I generally get “my professor in Psych 250 had it in for me”, “my Dad wouldn’t buy me a car for sweet sixteen”, “my last job got yanked out from under me because I wouldn’t kiss ass”.

Really deep stuff.

Not from Margaret. No way.

“Mr. TStyl, that’s got to be when I had my car wreck. I was six months pregnant and totaled it - the other driver was intoxicated. I had a seizure and had to deliver by emergency c-section three months early. I got home from the hospital after a couple of weeks and about a week or so later my husband was laid off so I had to go back to work, except the hospital replaced me and I had to take a position in customer service.”

Then she starts smiling, and I’m thinking “what the hell? Is she nuts?”.

“I got to learn how to deal with difficult people and the whole thing strengthened my marriage. My daughter is now three and she‘s just the greatest thing in my life. God really blessed my family”.

Lessons to take home here?

#1 - Her pregnancy was six months along when this wonderful woman gave birth to a beautiful girl who is now three years old, smart and almost perfect. It's a shame that The ONE thinks that this child wasn't a person when she was brought into the world. That Margaret was “punished with a baby”? (side note - every time this guy leaves the relative safety of a teleprompter he lets slip his forked tongue and gives us another peek into the shallow, fetid pond that is his soul.)

Before you get on my ass about abortion in general, I’m talking late term here. I’m not really sure that I think that all abortions should be illegal, but banning late termers, where the child could almost certainly thrive outside of the womb, should seem pretty damned obvious and logical to anyone with a high school bio class under his or her belt.

But what about incest or the health of the woman?

A.) self defense in any situation is something that I believe in.
B.) didn’t Suzie realize that it was Uncle Joe who knocked her up before her seventh month kicked in?

Hold your tongue before you get on me for “being a man that doesn’t know what he’s talking about”. I was conceived in the back seat of a car between a couple of stupid teenagers in the summer of ‘70, not too many years before Roe v. Wade became the law of land.

BTW, thanks to both of you for finding me some great parents - your little boy turned out ok.

#2 - This woman genuinely believes that God brought her and her family through this tough time. Not the “god” that tells radical Islamists to blow up daycare centers or the “god” that tells Fred Phelps and his band of troglodytes to protest the services of our brothers and sisters in the military - a loving God that protects, guides and nurtures His (or Her) children.

Yeah yeah, we get it Bill Maher. Anyone that believes in “the magical dude in the sky” is a moron. Thanks. Does anyone else want to be enjoying buttered popcorn, hot wings and Genny Cream Ale on a plush sofa with Lou Gehrig and Jimi Hendrix watching while Maher tries to convince God that He doesn’t exist???

Even if there isn’t a God (something with which I strongly disagree), is it a horrible thing that prayer, belief and hope brought this young woman and her husband through a time that would have emotionally crippled 99% of the people that cross your path?

My brush with fame - I used to date a woman that got nailed by Brad Pitt at a frat party at the University of Missouri at Columbia. He’s got a TIIIIIIIIINY penis and horrible body odor.

Let that bring a smile to your face every single time you get jealous of him banging Angelina Jolie whenever she isn’t pregnant.

(Ok, sue me. I had to sneak one in.)